It's Thanksgiving today. I usually associate this day with family, turkey dinner with all the trimmings, and fun. Several things have changed dramatically in my life over the past, oh, five years. Thanksgiving has been one of those things. It just isn't the big holiday that it had always been in the past. Family things have changed and I haven't had an actual Thanksgiving with my mom in at least three years. It's hard adjusting to things when it's always been one way for you. Three years ago, it was just me, my dad, and my brother for dinner, and the meal was a little short of the elaborate spread I had been used to. Plus, it didn't feel whole. Can't remember a Thanksgiving before then that had been less than at least seven people (extended family or friends). Two years ago, it was the just the three of us again (plus my ex) , but no turkey dinner. I know that there were quite a few people who were jealous of our prime rib but it wasn't the same (no matter how delicious it was). I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining. I am so thankful for my dad and my brother. And I'm so glad that we can get together every year to celebrate together. But it's hard to change things in the midst of so many other, more dramatic heart breaking changes.
This year again was different for us. We have the addition of my stepmom, Nancy. However, she had to be in Kentucky because of work issues. So the three of us headed up to my grandparents' house in Rapid City. We all ended up with turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, yams, cranberries, and pie. The works, ya know? But we went out for it. We went to this fifties style diner for Thanksgiving. I will be honest and say my heart dropped when I found out. The food was delicious, don't get me wrong. But once again circumstances had trespassed onto the holy ground know as Thanksgiving that I had built up in the back of my mind. I sucked it up and ended up having a pretty good time. And I totally understand why we went out instead of staying in. But the inside me was still kicking and screaming and throwing a tantrum. Until...
While we were originally the only people in the restaraunt, we were soon joined by two more familys, and this one guy.
I saw the guy come in peripherally, and he ended up sitting in a booth behind where our table was. I thought maybe someone would show up to be with him, but as we continued our dinner, I heard him order his meal for just him. He was kind of a younger man and I think he was out of state, New York I think from the licence plate outside. When I heard him order for just him I felt sad. He sounded like he was in a pretty good mood and everything, but he was alone. The rest of the time we were there I kept staring at the empty chair across the table that, had any number of things been different, would've been filled. And I kept thinking, I should ask him if he wanted to eat with us. I should offer our extra chair. Nobody should be alone on a family oriented holiday, no matter the reason. But the whole time that was running through my head another line was racing at the exact same time, "He would probably say no". And that's that. I didn't ask him to join us, I didn't ask the waitress if I could pay for his meal (another thought of mine since I kinda chickened out on the other thought). I just sat there scared of being embarrassed of asking a guy alone on Thanksgiving to occupy our empty chair. After we left I've been feeling like someone punched me in the gut the whole time.
There are so many things I wish I had done or said but didn't because I was scared. Whether they were good things or just regular things, I've been scared of taking chances because I don't want to be hurt or embarrassed or whatever. All through today I've had this song stuck in my head by Celine Dion. Here's the chorus:
"What do you say to taking chances? What do you say to jumping off the edge? Never knowing if there's solid ground below or a hand to hold or hell to pay. What do you say?"
